Together or Not At All
by Casey2y5
Summary: Destiel AU where they're both self-destructive drug addicts and push each other to be more dangerous, more stupid, and they drink too much and smoke too much.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, I just play with it sometimes.**

Their shared apartment was smoky, and the air was thick with the smell of pot and the heady aroma of sex. Cas reached over Dean to grab one the bottles of beer on the nightstand and took a long swing. As Cas straddled him to grab for the lighter, Dean let out a low groan. Cas fumbled with the cigarette and lit it. The smoke was sharp against his tongue. It was better than the mellow flavor of the pot.

"Give me a drag," Dean purred out.

"Open up."

Cas took a deep drag and fit their mouths together blowing the smoke into Dean's mouth. He chased it with a swipe of his tongue against Dean's lower teeth. He pulled back brushing his lips against Dean's soft ones. He rolled his hips into Dean's, as Dean let the smoke out with a groan. Cas wondered why they had even bothered putting underwear back on.

"What happened to the joint?" Dean didn't appreciate the acidic quality of cigarette smoke quite as much as Cas did. Not that it stopped him from smoking three packs a day.Dean apparently didn't have it in him to look towards the ash tray, perched in front of the beer bottles. Then again, it could have also been that Cas had him pinned to the bed with his hips.

"In the ash tray."

"Give it." Dean's fingers fumbled for the beer bottle first.

Cas grabbed it for him and poured some into his mouth. He lapped at the corners of Dean's mouth where a few drops made their way out. Dean tilted his head as he swallowed to bring their lips together. His hands went to the back of Cas' neck, holding him into the kiss. He lapped into Cas' mouth, carefully rediscovering familiar territory. Cas leaned into the kiss, pressing his torso against Dean's, settling between his lover's spread legs. He pulled back from the kiss when the need for air became too much.

"Want the joint?"

"Want you," Dean hesitated. "And the joint." Cas buried himself in Dean's neck, sucking a bruise into the junction between neck and shoulder. Dean groaned.

"So decadent, baby," Cas breathed into his ear.

Cas snatched the joint from the ash tray. They had only taken a few hits before letting it die, otherwise occupied a few hours previously. He lit it and took a drag before holding it to Dean's spit slick lips. Dean took a drag and pulled Cas back down for another kiss, blowing the smoke into his mouth. Cas inhaled automatically, surprised. The smoke felt good, though.

"Love this, love you." Cas took another hit. A few minutes later he was definitely feeling the effects of the drug, though he couldn't say how much of the floating feeling was that and how much was the man beneath him, mouthing wantonly at his shoulder.

Dean took the last hit a few minutes later, pulling it deep and holding it. He was normally pliant when they were like this- fucked out and high, so Cas was taken a little off guard when he was pulled down by the nape of the neck, and Dean let the smoke go. As he was coughing he found himself pressed against the mattress.

"God, Cas, want to ride you."

Cas grinned up at him. It didn't happen often, but once in a while Dean would get totally wasted and remain almost uncomfortably aware of his surroundings. Cas lived for those nights; Dean always got incredibly toppy and all Cas had to do was lie there. Not that he ever minded fucking a pliant, responsive Dean into the mattress, but this was pure bliss.

Cas' train of thought, which he had barely been following to begin with was derailed when Dean groped him through his boxers. "Fuck, Dean."

"Off," he said. He divested himself of his boxers, and hooked his fingers into Cas'. Cas obliged, lifting his hips and Dean tugged them down his legs. He hissed when the cool air of the room hit his dick.

He bucked up on instinct when a wet heat enveloped him. He propped himself up on a shaky elbow to see Dean's mouth stretched around him. Dean's cheeks hollowed out as he pulled Cas deeper into his throat. He pulled up, swirling his tongue around the head, lapping at the salty-sweet pre-come gathered there.

"Like that, don't you baby? Sucking me down, choking on my cock? Getting me all nice and wet to fuck you?"

Dean's resulting moan sent shivers up Cas' spine and a hand went to tangle in the short strands on the back of Dean's head. He pulled Dean into a steady rhythm. Dean stilled his head, letting Cas fuck his mouth, running his tongue along the underside when he could.

"God, your mouth is so perfect for this." Cas felt his hips stutter, as he felt heat begin to coil in his stomach.

Dean pulled off, kissing his way back up Cas' body. "Want you to come inside me."

Cas fumbled for the bottle of lube. He barely got the cap flipped open before it was snatched out of his hand. Between the pot and arousal for it to register and by the time Cas figured out Dean had taken it, the man in question was already scissoring two fingers inside himself.

"Eager?" Cas drawled.

"Want you."

"Such a slut for my cock**,** aren't you?"

"Always want you inside me. Splitting me open."

"Come here. Turn around, I want to watch."

Dean pulled his fingers out with a squelch, and drizzled more lube onto his hand. He gave Cas a few solid strokes, twisting his wrist before turning around and sinking onto his dick.

Cas sunk his fingers into Dean's hips, not bothering to guide his sloppy rhythm. Dead pulled himself up, and circled his hips on the way back down. Dean found his rhythm leaning forward to brace himself on Cas' thighs. Cas let out a low groan as he watched himself slide out of Dean.

"God, baby, look so good, stretched out around my dick."

Dean moaned in response and picked up speed. Cas realized this was nearly over and reached around, grabbing onto Dean**,** jacking him in time with his thrusts. Dean snapped his hips forward and spilled over Cas' hand.

A handful of thrusts later Cas came with a grunt. Dean stroked his thighs through the aftershocks, and pulled off. Cas brought his come covered hand up to Dean's mouth as he settled next to him and Dean automatically sucked the fingers into his mouth, cleaning them off. Cas was feeling sober enough to walk.

"Gonna go get a washcloth, baby."

Dean let out a contented little grunt. Cas ran his hand up Dean's side and into his hair as he went to the bathroom. He cleaned himself off, before rising off the cloth and making sure it was warm. He slid back into bed and carefully wiped down Dean's body, laying kisses down as he went. He finished and rested his head on Dean's shoulder, burying his face in his chest. He felt Dean softly card through his hair. Dean reached to the nightstand, pulling out two cigarettes. He lit one, passing it to Cas who took it gratefully, before lighting his own.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"This," was Dean's response.

"Seriously, we should actually do something tomorrow."

"Kevin mentioned this new Asian fusion place."

"Sure. Sounds like a date."

"Definitely going then." Dean pressed a kiss to the top of Cas' head.

Their cigarettes were eventually exhausted. As Cas put his head back down he began drawing aimless designs along Dean's chest.

"I'm thinking I might get a tattoo," Dean said. Cas' fingers stilled.

"Where?"

"Not sure yet. Just sorta thought of it."

"What about the protection symbol Meg showed you the other day. The demon one, that looks like a sun?"

"I guess I do need protection from my demons," Dean said with a laugh.

"We all do," Cas replied, resuming drawing on Dean's chest.

"Bedtime?"

"One more cigarette."

**A/N: This was originally based on a prompt from samwinchesterist on Tumblr. As always thanks to my wonderful beta, KillerKueen. And feedback is always welcome**


	2. Chapter 2

Dean awoke the next morning by the shrill ringing of his phone. It was seven-thirty. The caller ID read 'Sammy'. He groaned and flipped the phone open.

"Heya, Sammy."

"Dean."

"What's going on?"

"Just checking in. I didn't wake you did I?"

"You did. It's not a big deal."

"Dean?" Cas croaked.

"It's just Sam. Go back to sleep," Dean said.

"'Kay." Cas buried against Dean's side. Dean automatically slung an arm over his shoulder.

"Sorry, Sam."

"It's fine. How is he?"

"He great. He's Cas. How's Jess?"

"Pregnant. Very pregnant."

"That's great. You, uh, didn't mention that the last time we talked."

"You were pretty out of it the last time we talked, Dean," Sam reminded him.

"Right."

"Besides**,** we had just found out."

"I assume Mom and Dad know."

"I haven't gone to tell Mom yet. Dad knows. He's thrilled."

"Least he's getting grandkids out of one of us. You should go to tell Mom."

"It's not like it matters, Dean. It's just talking to a slab of granite."

"She'd want to know."

"She's _dead_, Dean. I don't think it really matters."

"Well, I'm happy for you, anyway. How's Dad?" Dean was asking primarily out of obligation.

"He's, well he's Dad. He's still waiting for you to come home."

"He's the one that told me not to come back. I tried. I really did, at Mom's funeral. He wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge Cas."

"He does miss you."

"If he won't accept Cas he doesn't get me."

"I miss you too, Dean."

"Hey, you know I miss you. Maybe I'll come by after the baby's born."

"I'm not sure that's the best idea," Sam hesitated.

"Sam."

"You know why. It's not that I don't trust you."

"That's exactly what it is. Don't try to pretend otherwise."

"I trust you with my life, Dean. But this is my kid. He's sort of my responsibility."

"It's a boy?"

"Yeah, yeah, it is. We're thinking of calling him Bobby John."

"That's awesome. Bobby would be honored."

"Yeah. Sometimes I think Dad misses Bobby more than her**,** you know?"

"You still won't let me see him?"

"It's not that I don't want him to know you and Cas. It's just, maybe not right away, not with how you guys live."

"How we live?" Dean tried to keep the incredulity out of his voice.

"You know what I mean, Dean. The drugs, the parties."

"I know what you meant. I'm not talking about moving in, Sam. I'm talking about coming to visit for a few days. And you're really going to start to criticize us now? You lived with us, for what, a year after Mom died?"

"Exactly, Dean. I've lived it. And you're going to tell me you can handle a full day with just your cigarettes, let alone two or three?"

"You haven't told Jess have you? About what you used to do?"

"It's the past. It doesn't matter.

"Like hell. You were worse than Cas and I have ever been or do you not remember that?"

"But I got out. That's the thing: I got out."

"And you're worried I might let something slip?" Dean was trying to keep his voice down.

"They're my family, Dean. I have to protect them. If it was reversed, if it was you and Cas you'd do the same."

"No, it wouldn't. Cas and I don't keep things from each other. I don't lie to him."

"Dean, just forget it. It's not a big deal."

"Sure thing, Sammy. I'm happy for you."

"I'll send lots of pictures."

"Thanks, and maybe in a few months."

"Maybe. I'm glad you guys are doing alright."

"Yeah. Tell Jess I say hi."

"I will. Same to Cas, yeah?"

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

Dean clicked the phone off, and returned it to the nightstand. He leaned back against the pillows. He felt Cas kiss his shoulder, but he didn't bother to look down.

Conversations with Sam usually left him drained, especially when they fought. He loved his brother, he really did, but things had been tense for a while. The year after theirmom died had been rough in a lot of ways, but he and Sam had been closer than ever. Then Sam decided he wanted to get back to his life.

"You alright?" Cas asked. He flexed his fingers over Dean's chest. Dean realized his heart was probably pounding. He grabbed one of the packs of cigarettes off the nightstand and nearly dumped them on the bed.

"Ah, fuck."

"I got it babe." Cas grabbed the lighter and deftly lit one before handing it to Dean. He lit his own a second later.

"Sorry," Dean said.

"It's fine. How is he?"

"He's good. Jess is pregnant."

"Oh."

"He doesn't want us to meet the baby. He doesn't want us in the same house."

"Dean, Sam didn't say that and we both knowit."

"He said Jess and the baby were his family now, and that he had to protect them."

"It doesn't mean he doesn't love you." Cas knew his attempt**s** at placating Dean were feeble at best.

"He hasn't even gone to tell Mom about it."

"She's been dead for three years. You can't expect him to just do it."

"Don't take his side, Cas."

"I'm not. You want to meet your nephew. You want to be close to your brother again."

"He kept talking about the way we live, like he didn't do the exact same thing for a year. Just because he has a perfect little family and a nice office job and a perfect fucking suburban life now doesn't mean he gets to judge."

"Is that you want, Dean? Do you want to get clean? You can re-new your certification, I can go back to school. Maybe adopt a kid or two in a few years. Because if that's what you want we can flush everything in the apartment right now and make it happen." Cas snuffed out his cigarette for emphasis. He had sat up during his speech, and was sitting cross legged on the bed.

Dean reached out and took Cas' hand. "No, Cas. I like us how we are, as long as you're still happy." He really didn't know how to say he appreciated the gesture.

"I'm still happy. Live fast, die young, fuck pretty women. That's how we roll right?"

Dean let out a laugh. He leaned forward to kiss Cas lightly.

"Maybe I'd rather fuck pretty men."

"Then we'll have to find you one," Cas said lightly, but he dropped eye contact.

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. He put his hand on the side of Cas' throat coaxing him too look back up. Dean tried to say with his eyes that Cas was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.

"Sam will always be your brother."

"No matter how bad things get. Yeah, I know. I guess I expect the judgment from Dad, but with Sammy it's different."

"He was with us. He was practically a zombie on the couch. I was there."

"We had to chain him to the sink to keep him from hurting himself before the ambulance got here!"

"Dean, he's better now."

"Jess doesn't know, about any of it."

"And it's his choice. It's his life, Dean! You have to let him make his own decisions."

"He's leaving me, Cas."

"No. He's growing up. Moving away from home."

"I can't lose him."

"You won't."

"I thought when we moved out here we'd lose touch, and that'd be the end of it. But we survived that. Then Mom died."

"I'm gonna find the oxy. Roll you a joint. We don't have to go out today," Cas finally said. He knew he wouldn't be able to talk Dean out of this funk.

"Cas, I'll be fine in a few hours. You know how it is when Sammy and me fight."

"Yeah, I do. Let me take care of you for a few hours."

"Thanks, Cas."

Dean stretched up, and grabbed some clothes from the side of the bed. He pulled on his boxers and one of Cas' t-shirts. Cas rustled around in the top drawer of the dresser. Dean lit another cigarette.

After a few minutes Cas pulled out the orange bottle. He pulled the lid off with a snap and shook three of the pills into his hand.

"Four?"

"You are insatiable."

"You love it."

Cas shook out another pill and dropped them into Dean's hand. Dean swallowed them in a couple of gulps. Cas pulled the bag of pot out of the nightstand and carefully rolled a joint. He lit it before handing it to Dean. He couldn't help smiling when a lazy grin crossed Dean's face a few minutes later. He lit a cigarette for himself.

Dean fell back into the pillows, grinning contentedly, eyes glazed over. Cas rolled out of bed, and found his book. He didn't often get the chance to read for any extended amount of time, and he figured he may as well take advantage of the opportunity. His reverie was soon interrupted.

"Hey Cas?"

"Yes Dean?"

"Imagine what our babies would look like."

"Given we are both men, our children would likely not look like either one of us."

"If men could have babies though," Dean pressed. Cas figured it was best to just indulge him.

"Our daughter would have your eyes. And your personality. She'd be absolutely beautiful," Cas said after a moment's thought.

"Yeah. Think we'd just have one?"

"I don't know. Who's having them?"

"Hmm. I will. I don't mind."

"How many do you want then?"

"At least two, maybe more."

Cas put down his book and went to Dean. He stretched out next to Dean, wrapping him in his arms.

"Then at least two, maybe more."

"One needs to have your nose," Dean decided.

"Why would you curse them?"

"Your nose is cute."

"Then what about your ears?"

"Ok," Dean said easily. "The twins will have your hair, all messy and out of control." Dean grinned at the thought.

"Twins, huh? If they have your eyes, we'll have our little Harry Potters," Cas said laughing.

"We'd have to be careful not to be killed in a car crash. Or by a dark wizard."

"I don't think the second will be a problem."

"Yeah."

"That's four. What if I decide I want to have one?"

"You can have the twins. That seems like a lot of work."

"Always sticking me with the work, huh?"

"Yeah. Hmm, do you want kids, Cas? For real?"

"I want to be with you. I wouldn't mind having kids. Did you lie earlier, Dean? Do you want kids?" Getting the truth out of Dean was always pretty easy when he was high.

"Maybe. Does it matter what I want?"

"Yeah, it does." Cas couldn't believe he had to say it aloud. It was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm happy right now. Just imagining."

"Alright."

Cas had his suspicions Dean wasn't being entirely truthful, even with himself. He knew it wasn't the time to push it.

He went to grab his book, then settled in next to Dean. His lover had quit speaking and let out the occasional chuckle. Cas sat and chain-smoked and read waiting for Dean to come back to himself. They could talk about making a new life for themselves at dinner.

**A/N: A third of the way through already!**


End file.
